Things Parents Say [whilst on the phone]
I was on the phone to Mr J the other day whilst he was home with little A and we had a rather broken conversation; Now A is close to hitting two, he is extremely mischievous and regularly pushes the boundaries (ie. drawing on everything, including our heads, trying to pull his nappy off so he can poo on the floor), so any phonecall includes a lot of "yeah, I'll do tha—PUT THAT DOWN—when I get a—STOP LICKING THE TABLE—minute!" into the ear of the caller. I realised that I unconsciously do this too; my poor friends & family. Here's a small list of things I may have said whilst on the phone recently..
"yeah, she said you wanted the—OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, GET IT OUT—fish for dinner."
I could be referring to literally anything here; from two day old raisins, to crayons, to snotty tissues. There may have even been an instance of poo, but we won't talk about that.
"Lydia just wanted to—GET AWAY FROM THAT NOW—know if you're—NOW— coming?"
Usually, I'll be referring to a glass of water or some other liquid I've left perched dangerously close to my phone/laptop.
"So, did you have a nice—LEAVE YOUR WILLY ALONE—holiday?"
Pretty self-explanatory and something I find myself saying an awful lot lately, though usually to Mr J more than A (just kidding).
"Did you want to meet on—STOP DRAWING ON THE TV—Thursday?"
As well as the screeching sound of an irate Mother, you'll probably also hear the tiny echo of a "NO NO!" in the background a few seconds later.
"Let's go and—GET DOWN, YOU'RE GOING TO FAL-" *crying*
All day, every day.
"How was the—STOP HITTING ELMO WITH THE FRYING PAN—christening?"
Thankfully (and not thankfully) I'm talking about a toy wooden frying pan that A likes to bash
our heads inanimate objects with.
"Sunday sounds good, I promise I—DON'T WEE ON THE WII!"
Yep, I've actually said this.
"Oh no, not again. Will you—GET YOUR WINNIE OUT OF THERE—be able to come?"
I did say Winnie there, as in Winnie-the-Pooh comforter. We actually own four of them to avoid the catastrophe of losing one, yet there are still times we're frantically searching for them 5 minutes before bedtime.
"Yes, get the size—STOP BRUSHING YOUR HAIR WITH A FORK—fives."
In the mind of a toddler, anything is hair-brushing apparatus; the fork, the toothbrush, a plate..
"Did you think it was—DON'T PUT PEAS UP YOUR NOSE—any good?"
I find tiny vegetables in the carpet, under the sofa, in his poop; I'd rather not sift them out of his mucus too.
"It's too quiet, I'd better go.."
And of course, the worst thing a parent can hear at all. Absolutely nothing. These are the times you're guaranteed to either find a toddler covered in paint or drinking from the toilet..
So, to the friends who haven't given up on ringing me since I birthed a bouncing baby baboon, thankyou and I promise I'll—STOP DOING THAT!—in future.
What odd things have you found yourself screaming on the phone since you had children?
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