The Secret Bluebells.
Recently, I've been feeling overwhelmed by all of the children we have. I know that sounds silly; it's just the two, but I'm always attached to at least one of them, sometimes two, but always one (considering the littlest monkey insists on saying hello every 1-2 hours throughout the night). It sounds bad but I keep hearing the resounding voice in my head telling me I can't handle them both and perhaps I simply don't have enough Mother in me for them both. It's been a month of constant illness, no sleep and Mr J working long hours (bank holidays, not so great for retail) so April has been one of the toughest months so far.
Then I realise they're just babies; even A, who seems less like a baby with each passing day, has only been here for a fraction of the time we have and he's still learning how to just be. He's full of energy and can be challenging, but he's also sensitive and loving. Blue is contented, happy and relaxed, but he doesn't know what it means to be apart from his Mummy, having been on the outside for less time than he was in.
These beautiful bluebells are a mere 5 minutes from our house and are surrounded by an industrial estate, but you'd never know once you're inside. It's so magical and for 29 years of my life, I had no idea it even existed. This secluded little woodland is such a happy place, just like the boys are for us, but surrounded by stressful workplaces, busy roads and the hectic hustle & bustle of daily life, and it reminds me to take a breathe and enjoy them now, to block all of that other stuff out and imagine we're in our own magical little bubble sometimes. It can be hard, and I know I don't take enough time away from them to look after myself, but soon they'll be all grown up and I'll crave the night time cuddles and constant call of Mummy!!
My hair is mostly clean (with the help of dry shampoo), but my clothes are covered in stains and I need cocktail sticks to prop open my eyelids most days, but I am happy, through all of the dirty nappies, late nights, irrational meltdowns (usually my own) and millions of things that never seem to leave my to-do list; I am doing the best I can. So, though I often feel I'm just not good enough for these two, I hope they know I'm really trying (but essentially winging it) and know that everything I do have, I give to them and will continue to do so for as long as I possibly can.
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