As of yesterday, there are only 100 days left until our guess date with baby #2, so to celebrate this monumentous occasion I've decided to list 99 thoughts I've had since conceiving.. and the 1 thought Mr J has had.

ME:

No way.

I'm pregnant!?

Is he an idiot? There's clearly 2 thumping great obvious pink lines on there.

See. I told him.

What a shit storm, we've just got used to the first one!

Why is Archie running around naked shaking his willy?

Doesn't he realise there's going to be a new minion soon, stealing all his shit?

He's going to suck at sharing.

Wow, another baby.

Fuck! Labour hurts.

I can't do this. Yes I can. Can I!?

What if Archie tries to sit on the baby's head?

Or hides him under the stairs?

What if they both have willies and they run around naked, shaking them together?

The house will be covered in piss.

Mr J will have to clean it.

Oh shit, I'm going to have to push another one out of there.

Has it recovered from the last time?

Should I look?

Nope.

Did it really hurt that much last time?

Yep.

But it's OK.

I'm going to be a hypnobirthing ninja master this time.

I'll breathe that baby out.

I'm sure it will work.

Remember. Be positive.

Yes, I'm going to be fantastic at giving birth this time..

I definitely won't scream for an epidural..

And then threaten to pull the midwives braids out if she makes excuses..

It will be fine.

Probably.

Why are these pre-natals the size of a small submarine?

Did I take them last time?

I really don't want to swallow these, but I don't want to favour one child quite this early on..

I can re-use Archie's baby clothes..

..if it's a boy.

Oh wait a minute, Archie was a Winter baby..

And this one will arrive in Summer.

Crap.

I can look after two humans at once, right?

What if they work together?

And I get ambushed by one whilst the other throws LEGO at my head?

What if they both run away at once?

Which one do I go after!?

The favourite?

OMG, I'M EXHAUSTED.

I need coffee..

But I hate coffee.

Do they do red bull for pregnant women?

No, I don't think so.

Will cake work?

I'll have one anyway.

You know.

Just in case..

Where have I put all those old parenting books?

If I can use them to make myself a handy side table, I won't have to get up again for at least another hour.

OUCH.

Why does one kid think my bladder's a football and the other thinks my nipples are buttons!?

Go and play Bop It! with Daddy's body parts.

And fetch me a chocolate bar on the way. Or 2. Or 7.

We're definitely going to need a bigger bed.

Or room.

Or house.

This is awkward.

Not even my maternity jeans fit.

Is it socially acceptable to only wear pyjama bottoms from 25 weeks?

Do I have any that don't have unicorns on them?

I'm sure the supermarket won't mind.

Or the office.

I wonder what baby #2 will look like.

Blue eyes?

Brown eyes?

Dark or light hair?

Oh no.

What if they get Mr J's eyebrows?

Or toes?

Or that irritating habit he has of hiding his dirty pants behind the bedroom door..

I mean.

The washing basket is RIGHT THERE.

I will not eat chocolate.

I will not eat chocolate.

I will not eat chocolate.

Or pizza.

Or ice-cream.

Or a large Big Mac meal with full-fat coke.

With a side of double cheeseburger.

I will not eat any of it.

After today.

Why has time suddenly slowed down?

I swear I'm ok with all of the above.

Even birth.

Really.

I can't wait to meet them.

Our courageous son.

Or our kind, beautiful daughter.

We're ready for you.

Well, almost.

MR J:

Another kid. Cool.

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