Just over a week ago, I sat at my desk at work feeling fairly relaxed; I tippy-tappied on the keyboard, I smugly fake-laughed over a distasteful joke, I sipped tea, ate biscuits (all to myself) and enjoyed my last day at the studio before my maternity leave began. Bliss! My thoughts then turned to how I was going to cope being massively pregnant and running around after a two year old for the weeks that would follow. Pinterest activities? Toilet tube tutorials and painting rocks!? Baking with a toddler who thinks egg yolk is face paint? Oh god.
Then I remembered, nursery would still be booked as normal for the following weeks until baby #2 was due. Breathe. We may avoid the jellyfish paper plates and home made play dough after all. And then, just as I hit 38 weeks pregnant, my child caught the pox.
Hmm, these spots look awfully suspicious paired with my off-colour toddler, could it be? Snap a pic and immediately whatsapp other half:
Could this be..... the pox!?
Please don't send me a picture of his willy again, I opened it at breakfast..
I think we're ok. He only has about 10, he's going to be one of those kids who gets it mild, I reckon. He just threw some Duplo at my head so I think he's feeling ok.
Oh dear god, there's loads of them. Send help.
They are everywhere! In his eyes, up his nose, inside his ears, he's itching his bum - they can't be, can they?
Oh dear. Ask him if his bum's sore?
He said it's 'really really itchy', and then he said 'sweeties make it better'. Hmm.
Time to take drastic action. I have consulted Google and we need you to pick up a few bits on the way home..
Calamine lotion, a mega-size bar of dairy milk (that's mine), wholemeal oats? Do supermarkets sell ox tongues and the back hair of 50 year old virgins? Hang on, I don't think I'm on chickenpox remedies anymore..
Do I have to come home?
WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME HOW HIDEOUS THESE SPOTS ARE!? I love him but my god, rubbing this cream in is gross. There is no other person on the planet I would do this for.
Ah, he seems really poorly today, or perhaps we have both gone bat-shit crazy from Paw Patrol repeats. Can I take him outside of the house when he looks like an ogre? Shall I put a hat on him? Or a miniature balaclava?
That annoying kid we hate might be at the park, should I get him to rub himself on him?
I can see clearllllly now, the spots have gone (well, about 5 have, only 21832837 to go)..
Can we sell him and get a new spot-free version? We could offer a discount.
Two full days of nursery missed this week! Those smug bastards will be rolling in it, maybe they'll only charge us £27 to amend a booking next time as a 'sorry your child is sick but WDGAF'. I'm sure they kidnap various infected children and rub them all over ours to make some extra cash..
Maybe we can train him to steal some toys next time he goes in to make our money back?
Losing my mind. Need human interaction that isn't via WhatsApp and isn't the postman asking if I'm planning on giving birth to triplets.
Mini human is clearly feeling better, spots have crusted (that sentence could induce vomiting for non-parenting folk).
Does this mean I am able to relax about birthing a baby without the worry it's going to get hideously infected by the pox?
I'm not feeling too good, you know. I've noticed a bit of a rash.
I'm leaving you.