Dear Santa: A 1 Year Old's Wish List

My name is Archie and I'm 11 and a bit months old. I've been thinking about what I'd like for Christmas and I wasn't sure at first because I already have a Mummy & Daddy that wipe my bum when I've had a big poo and race to me with a bottle when I decide that I'm going to scream for one.

So, I had a good think about it during bath time yesterday, after I'd poured a few cupfuls of water over the floor and had a good tug on my willy, and I've decided on a few things that I would really like this Christmas.

I'd really love to be able to visit the side of Mummy & Daddy's bed. Every morning I race to clamber over Daddy so I can get down there but Mummy always grabs me before I get a chance. I don't know what she's going on about when she moans about bruises and broken limbs but it sounds like so much fun. I've spotted some interesting artifacts down there that I would love to get my hands on - there's this especially snotty tissue that I really want to nibble on when Daddy's not looking and there's a bottle with some clear stuff in it that I'd love to shake and bash Daddy on the head with.

There's this thing in our living room that Mummy calls a clothes horse, I think she's confused because it doesn't make any neighing sounds. She doesn't like it when I shake it but it's so much fun when all of the clothes fall on the floor and I can grab them and chuck them around the room. The only problem is I can't get over to it very often without Mummy noticing. Could you distract her with a cup of tea and a hobnob so that I can really give it a go and get everything off? I might also have a big poo whilst I'm doing it, I like to multi-task.

Daddy has these pink things on his chest that are really fun to claw at, could I get some of those? They're a bit hairy but I have a great time trying to pull them off. He must've used a really strong glue to stick them on with because I haven't yet succeeded. He makes funny noises when I grab at them with my tiny claws, I don't know why he won't share with me, it's rude really.

Could you please teach my Mummy and Daddy to get my milk a bit quicker in the mornings? I can see the bottle but they won't let me have it until I really really scream and sometimes I just can't be bothered. Daddy says something about heating the bottle but I don't know what he's going on about, he really needs to buck his ideas up or I might ask Santa for a new Daddy this year. Maybe not actually, this Daddy is quite funny when he blows raspberries on my belly.

I've also seen the John Lewis advert and think Winnie would really like a girlfriend, I don't think he can get one on his own and he does put up with alot when I wipe my bogies all over his face and chew his nose until it's covered in goo.

Thanks Santa, oh and a heads up, Christmas Day is also my birthday so can you make sure I get no joint presents and that my gifts aren't wrapped in Christmas paper? I'll have to bash someone on the knee with my toy phone if not and pretend I'm an innocent baby that doesn't know what I'm doing.

Love, Archie

PS. Do your reindeers like belly button lint and soggy crumbs? I have plenty I can share if they're hungry.

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