Dear best friend, I have something to tell you..
Dear best friend,
I have something to tell you.
I miss everything about growing up with you; the bad times, the good and the drunken. I miss throwing picnics for our cuddly toys, making up rockstar names and singing in the playground, sneaking out at night to talk about boys and getting so drunk we'd eat cocktail sausages with ketchup and fall asleep on the kitchen floor.
It doesn't matter how far apart our lives take us, or how different our journeys become; I know you'd be there for me at 2am in the morning if I needed you, no matter the time or place, and I would do the same for you. We've been through so much together and those memories carry me through every difficult day.
And now you're starting to think about having a baby of your own and I couldn't be more excited! And since I have almost two children, I figure I'm in a great position to help you prepare yourself for this momentous occasion.
Kids are sticky. And a bit gross, as well as completely adorable and exciting. They're the best thing that will ever happen to you and I can't wait for you to feel the crap load of love that will fill every crevice of your heart (one probably previously filled with vodka and that guy we both fancied from Teen Angel)!
Your life will change completely, but I'm here to help. Here are a few practical exercises you can undertake to ensure you're ready to bound into parenthood.
1) Purchase several bags of biscuits, crisps, sweets etc. (anything with a crunch will do)
2) Open bags and precede to crush with hands and throw all over the floor. Chuck a few hot wheels and pieces of lego in there for good measure. Continue until floor is fully submerged.
3) Clean it all up.
4) Repeat steps 1-3 every day. For the rest of your life..
1) Choose a nipple. Attach a strong peg to said nipple and sit down..
2) ..for a really long time.
3) Keep sitting. Alternate peg on each nipple every hour or so.
4) Get Mr BFF involved by shouting demands such as 'a gallon of water please' and inform him regularly that your nipples are actually 'BLEEDING, OMG FETCH THE LANOLIN!'
1) Go to supermarket.
2) Have a friend tug your top constantly, scream, lie on the floor and put as many random items into the trolley as they possibly can.
3) Give up and go home. Stop by McDonalds drive-thru on the way to prevent starvation.
1) Have Mr BFF communicate with you using just one word (try milk or no).
2) Anytime he screams the word at you, try and figure out what it is he actually wants. This could take some time.
Have you tried all those? Then you're ready for children, my friend! But really, I'm ecstatic that you'll know the joy of loving something so precious and I'm so happy that we'll be able to enjoy the next stage of our lives together and I have one last integral tip for you.
1) Stock up on wine.
Your BFF (I swear) xo
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