Dear A, Today was one of the hardest days.. — The Ordinary Moments #7
Dear A, I knew today was going to be a difficult day. I'm starting to get quite pregnant now, I'm experiencing plenty of pain and discomfort (on top of some seriously excessive peeing), and on top of that I've been really poorly for almost 2 weeks.
Your Dad left for work at 6:30am and he probably won't be home until you're in bed, and Na-nan and Da-dad are away for the weekend, when they'd usually be here to help us at the drop of a hat.
I've mourned for the brother or sister who could've helped out, who could've made sure you'd still have the best day. But sadly, they're not there.
I've let out a few tears since we got up this morning, I slept through your entire nap (and woke up feeling worse) and I've collapsed on the sofa feeling exhausted a number of times. I've just felt like the worst Mummy in the world for not being able to give you 100% of myself when I'm all that you have.
Today has been one of the hardest days.
But when you woke up this morning, you gave me the biggest smile and all you've done today is bring me complete and utter joy; you've quite literally been the sunshine to my stormy day. When I tried to hide my sadness, you threw your arms around me and laughed into my neck. When I had to sit down half-way up the stairs after exhausting myself carrying you, you held my hand and helped me the rest of the way. When I sat on the sofa, trying to regain some energy, you happily played with your cars and toys quietly for as long as I needed you too.
So that when you did come to me and ask to go out on your bike, I was able to push the crappy way I feel to the side and say 'yes', because though today has been one of the hardest days, you have made it better in so many ways without even realising it and every time I feel like I'm failing, you've given me the strength to get on with it. So, tonight when we share your bedtime routine, giggle in the bath, read your books about how you'll make the best big brother, and I put you to bed, I'll be going to bed too, but I'll be falling asleep feeling so much less lonely than how I woke up this morning.
I won't mourn the brother or sister who could've helped but I'll be grateful I can hopefully give you what I didn't have and I'll silently tell baby #2 that their big brother is a cracker.
And though it has been one of the hardest days, it has also been one of the best thanks to you. And I'd hate to experience any one of these difficult days without you.