6 Ways Your Life Will Change After Children
Things have changed quite alot over the past year and a half, since we decided to take the plunge and create our very own human. I've gone from late nights (voluntarily!), lazy mornings and TV marathons to cleaning nuclear-force poos, catching vomit & loving every minute of it! Here are just a few ways you can expect your life to change after you have children..
BC Before Children AC After Children
Meeting with friends
BC: "Wanna go out for a meal tonight? Pick you up at 7."
AC: "Tonight? How about.. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.. next June? I'm not making any promises but.. STOP URINATING ON THE XBOX ..I should be able to make it."
The Morning After The Night Before
BC: Gradually awaken to the sound of birds singing, feel a little like Snow White, curiously wonder how she put up with the incessant tweeting and pull duvet over head. Decide to snooze 7 or 8 times before finally rising a few hours later.
Browse news feed and whatsapp friends exclaiming how mortified you are at the drunken photos they've tagged you in and calmly
demand ask they take them down. Make duvet your honorary best friend and spend the rest of the morning drinking vitamin C, eating dry toast chocolate & crisps and watching back-to-back episodes of FRIENDS.
AC: Get in at the very reasonable hour of 11pm. Decide to head straight to bed as to catch up on sleep before children wake in the morning. Toddler who usually sleeps through wakes every hour, finally up for the day at 4am. Bring him into your bed hoping he will snuggle up sweetly and go back to sleep for a few hours.
Instead he proceeds to pull your hair, poke your eyelids and tug your nipples until you get up and retrieve a bottle. Put on a film. Whilst he's distracted, allow your eyes to close for just a.. feel a tiny talon scratching the inside of your nostril. Pick him up and place him on Daddy's side of the bed, that'll put those gentle snores to a stop..
BC: They plough you with food and sweets, spoil you by buying you treats and let you watch whatever you want on TV.
AC: They plough your child with food and sweets, spoil them by buying them treats and let them overdose on TV (regardless of how many times you protest).
BC: Reservation booked for 8 so have 3 hours to get ready. Just enough time to shave fluff from legs, relax with a billion scented candles, make a bubble beard and leisurely wash, rinse, wash, rinse hair. Sit in huge fluffy robe and spend an hour or so carefully and precisely applying liquid eyeliner (with plenty of champagne-sipping breaks) leaving enough time to put on the outfit picked out this morning. Perfect!
AC: No time to shower, decide to strategically spray deodorant under arms and down pants, that should do it. End up poking self in the eye with liner trying to lunge forward to stop the baby painting eyeshadow on the walls with foundation brush. Forget getting ready and decide to get baby to bed (simply no point leaving child awake with grandparents as he'll still be awake with grandparents with a face smothered in chocolate on drunken return).
Child finally asleep. Just enough time to turn on stealth mode and gently tiptoe around room in the dark trying to find an outfit. Throw on first top and trousers (Primani specials) that don't smell of baby sick. No time to tame birds nest. Finally arrive downstairs to partner completely relaxed and groomed. Hide small bottle of Prosecco in bag as can't afford alcohol due to finance-suckers aka kids.
BC: "Eliza and George kissed on Saturday, can you believe it!? We saw them both and still didn't pick up on what was going on! And apparently Alan shit himself in the Walkabout toilets."
AC: "Guess what? Little David finally took a huge crap last night after 4 days of nothing! I've never seen so many undigested peas before, doesn't that boy chew? You still there?"
BC: Enjoy a hearty, uninterrupted meal and a marathon of Breaking Bad, remove make-up, wash, cleanse and moisturise face. Gently floss, brush and mouthwash before popping on new Topshop PJs, starfish under covers and drift off into peaceful sleep.
AC: Fall asleep sitting up on sofa at 8:44pm holding half-full glass of wine. Wake up at 9 with dribble down chin, give up on watching Game of Thrones after rewinding for the fifth time, drag self upstairs, tiptoe past babies room with the stealth of Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, collapse on unmade bed that's covered in stale urine (probably babies rather than own but who knows) and close eyes. Baby senses intense drowsiness and decides to mimic distressing sounds of injured animal [partner snores peacefully in the background].
Of course, the good thing is that having children does change your life, but for the better. There's nothing quite so amazing as bringing life into the world and allowing the chaos to take over because when it's all done, we're going to miss it like crazy!
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