5 Things Toddlers Are Crap At

I love toddlers as much as the next guy, seriously, they are incredible and hilarious. I don't think I've ever belly-laughed so much as I have when my 18 month old leaned over a fountain at the splash park and got a swift spray straight in the face (and laughed hysterically about it). Let's be honest though, there are some things they are really crap at, such as retaining their liquids in a cup or adhering to the word 'no'. I've put together a small list of just a few things my toddler is more than a bit rubbish at.

5 Things Toddlers Are Crap At - Humour

Hide and Seek

My toddler loves playing hide and seek, and more often than not, he'll decide we're playing it without telling me. There's one thing he forgets though, he's really crap at it. When he started to crawl, he would literally crawl to his hiding place whilst in plain sight, so of course, it made it pretty easy for me to find him yet he still seemed surprised to be found. Puh, babies.

Now that he's a little older and can walk, it all gets a bit more exciting. "I thought he was in here, crap I've actually lost him this time" *checks front door is locked* Ok, I think I may have found him..


My toddler loves to demand crayons & scribble all over his book, pretty impressive for an 18 month old. I would laminate and keep them, but honestly, they're absolute tripe.


My toddler appears to have selective hearing to the point I was actually concerned and tempted to call the health visitor recently, until I started infiltrating my sentences with particular words. "SPONGE CAKE you pass me that toy?" "Come and get your CHOCOLATE SAUCE & ICE-CREAM shoes on.." Works like a charm..

Hanging out the washing

My toddler loves to help me do stuff, which would be really nice of him, if he didn't suck at it. If I ask him to put his toys away, he forgets he's helping and empties them all over the floor. I ask him to wipe his table, he'll give it 2 swipes before giving up, whipping his nappy off and playing with his todger, so when he really wanted to help me put out the washing, I wasn't too sure if it'd end up on the line or on my face, but I let him, and guess what? This is as far as we got..

5 Things Toddlers Are Crap At - Humour

And something I'm really crap at since the toddler arrived..

Catch the Piss

Ever tried getting a urine sample from a toddler? I never thought I'd live for the days I got to catch my own urine in a pot, but now that I have to catch someone else's, I realise how carefree and ignorant I really was. Why is it that a kid who pees a bucketful every 10 minutes can suddenly hold his bladder with the stamina of a marathon runner? And then the second you give up, he'll run away and piss behind the bookcase? Cue panicked parents throwing themselves on the floor holding sterilised container in the air and still managing to only catch a few dribbles. I don't think the doctor was particularly amused at our 0.02ml offering..

Of course, I must begrudgingly admit, that there will be a day when my toddler will be better at all of these things than me, so for now, I'll relish in discovering him hidden behind the clothes in the wardrobe, or elatedly rubbing his chocolate-covered hands in Daddy's clean shirts. Oops, I might have forgotten to tell him about that..

Did you know I'm a graphic designer too? If you're looking for help to brand your business or make your blog beautiful, check out my portfolio!

for something?