3 Dignified Ways I Will Handle Being Ill
As a Mama, being ill is one of the worst things that can happen in daily life; babies & toddlers have no patience and their demands certainly do not waver, even when your head is thoroughly engrossed in the smelly on the side of the toilet. It's been told that I, in particular, am not great at dealing with illness (true) and that now I have 1.5 children (the .5 is my significant other), I need to suck it up and beat this virus that's taken hold and blown up my glands to the size of miniature hot air balloons (was labour really worse than this?).
But instead I'm going to channel my inner child, whom is still very much alive at times like this, and let you in on how I will actually deal with it..
1. Moan, whinge & sigh, alot.
As a Brit, born & bred, I absolutely love a good moan. I regularly have perfectly unawkward conversations with friends and colleagues that go something like this:
"Weather's crap today, isn't it? Really dull, how depressing" to "Can you believe I was blinded by the sun all the way to work, so bloody annoying, why won't it piss off and shine somewhere else?"
Unfortunately, when I have a good old whinge to my toddler, he licks my face, laughs and promptly returns to bashing the TV with a megablok, so Mr J will probably brunt the worst of my moaning for today (which is only fair, as even the mere hint of a runny nose has him running for the PJs and TV remote).
I find whinging, moaning & sighing is highly effective (as I lounge on the sofa watching repeats of Jeremy Kyle) at getting results.
*sigh* "My throat is really sore, if I just had something to wet it"
This often results in being brought a glass of vitamin C or water when I really wanted straight gin, but never mind.
2. Lie on the sofa and watch repeats of Jeremy Kyle.
As mentioned above, I will probably steal my step-son's entrancing 'lego movie' duvet (logically, it'll be the only baby-sick free cover in the house), drag myself pathetically to the sofa, dramatically drop like a tonne of bricks onto a multitude of decorative cushions and switch on the box to watch good old Jezza have a good old rant at some teenager for not using protection ("It was just spur uh' the muh'ment like").
Oh no, wait a minute.
In reality, I will be swiftly shoved out of bed and haul down the stairs with a screaming toddler firmly attached to my leg, eventually collapse on the sofa (after heating up a bottle and digging previously mentioned megabloks out of the toybox) and be rewarded for my efforts with a rendition of 'show me, show me..' (I'll show you a toe up the nostril if I have to hear this theme tune again; smug, healthy, presenter bastards) whilst said toddler continues to hit TV with said megablok. Great.
3. Self-diagnose using Dr. Google
As a serial Googler, it makes perfect sense to me that Dr. Google is the way to go here; my only other options are to ask Mr J - who claims I just need to open the window at night to avoid a dry throat - or call the actual doctor - though by the time they can manage to fit me in, I'll be right as rain, happily prancing about like a tit to the Mr Tumble theme tune, whilst indulging in a healthy snack claiming that to avoid future illness, I will never eat crisps or chocolate again and will drink a minimum of 2 litres of water a day (not true).
I digress, Dr. Google will probably prescribe me a soothing mixture of natural herbs that can only be found in a mythical rainforest or diagnose me with a terminal disease; at which point I shall open my window during the night and call the doctor begging for an emergency appointment (and if all else fails, consider A&E).
I hope these tips have highly informed any other parents as to their basic human rights when ill. Significant others should obey all commands (where children can't, aka, always), cBeebies should be banned (or offered in extra doses to appease children whilst Mother invests in a pair of earmuffs) and mobile devices should probably be confiscated (from Mother and given to the kids).
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